Secret Garden: diciembre 2008

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...

It was a cold night the night I tried to kill myself. I thought I had nothing left to lose, and what’s the point of living? I’m already fucked. I was kicked out of my own home, by my own parents.
See, the thing with my parents is they don’t see the world the way I do. I’m open minded and they are not. I have my own ideas and set of rules I live by, and they do too. Well, sort of. They called it: The Bible.

Yes, our family is very catholic and so as am I, but there are some things I don’t agree with. That doesn’t make me less of a catholic… Does it?
My name is David, I’m 19 years old and my biggest sin is being gay.I dont think theres nothing wrong with being gay the only thing wrong with being gay is how some people treat you when they find out, As a matter of fact I don’t think being something is a sin, that’s just ridiculous, unless you’re a slut (I have so much against them) If you are a slut or prostitute, then you’re going straight to hell!

It was on 3rd grade when I discovered I liked boys. It hit me like a ton of bricks. At first I considered myself completely normal and thought everyone felt the same way I do about boys, but then I found out that not everyone felt that way, and that I was not "normal". My parents were well aware of me not being like the other kids and decided to take me to a physiologist. His name, I don’t quite remember, but I do remember our pointless conversations (why do I hang out with girls? and how should I start hanging out with boys?). It was very weird and awkward, and I was rewarded when I hung out with boys. There was this one time my physiologist gave me a set of colors. You don’t give a set of colors to a gay kid. It’s like giving pot to a junkie.

Anyway, the point is that my parents are kicking me out because I told them I am gay. It was after dinner when I decided to tell them, it was very casual. By my tone, you would have thought I was talking about next day’s weather. “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”Judging by my parents reaction, they probably heard wrong. Maybe it was a serial killer they had confused me with. My Mom burst into tears as my Dad screamed at me (I try so hard on not telling them for a long time but Jesus say not to lie, I dont want to disobey Jesus, as if they didn’t expect it!) giving me a lecture about how the Church is against homosexuals, and how homosexuality is a sin and how he wants me out of his house NOW.

I was so angry, I roared, "You know what should be a sin? Hate! Hate should be a sin. I can’t believe you! I’m nothing but nice to you and Mom, I do everything you ask me to do and you are sending me out to the street just because of my sexuality. Fuck you, fuck you very much!" I immediately went upstairs to my room, took all my belongings, threw them into a backpack , took my laptop and my iPod and headed for the front door.
Before I left, I told them, "I love you, truly, even if you hate me." and slammed the door.

I didn´t knew what to do or where to go but I knew things where going to work out. First, I called Tyler. He has been one of my best friends since I remember and he knew I was gay since Junior High. He is a foreign student and lives in his own apartment so it was possible for him to make room for me while I looked for an alternative.
“So you’re telling me you have no money, no place to go and your parents are mad at you.” said Tyler incredulously, bluntly, as he opened his apartment door. The way he said it, it was so harsh. I was about to cry and found the strength not to do so. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it . Look, I promise I´ll find a job soon and a place to stay. I’ll be out of here in no time.”
“No problem you can stay here in the mean time. There are some pillows on the closet. Do you mind sleeping on the couch?”

I told him I didn’t and how much I appreciate him for being so kind to me. He fetched me a blanket and handed it to me. That night I couldn´t sleep at all. As the hours went slowly, I kept thinking about how I disappointed my family, and how ashamed they were. Finally, after what seemed like years staring at the ceiling, I drifted sadly off to sleep.